I fell before I realized I was falling. An endless pit of ache after ache. No end in sight for the hurt that consumes you from loving someone who can never be truly yours.
Like a self torture for wanting to be close to someone who is so far away. Making the payment with your heart until the only thing left is shattered feelings and tears.
I didn't mean for it to happen. It was building and building until I couldn't contain the blazing embers, bursting and taking over in a moment seared into my mind. But you returned, in that moment, everything I had felt thrice.
And now the lines are erased, staying invisible to our hungry, cheating eyes.
-&-
I want to feel ashamed, guilty.
Maybe some part of me needs to feel that way.
Words and small touches blurred the lines.
I started it. All I had to do was turn away -- like before and act like I wasn't walking away from something great.
Instead, I lunged forward, into the decent that surrounds us now. Knowing what I know and not caring because I want you so much that it's shriveled my morals to a point I don't care anymore. Not about hurting Grace.
This isn't me. I'm twisted round I can't fully understand what we've done.
-&-
"No you like him and you know you deserve him so that's why you don't feel guilty".
What makes someone deserve someone?
What makes someone deserve one more than another?
Do I deserve him? I might.
Has this been coming? For a long time.
Will I regret this? No, I don't think so.
Will I want to? I do right now.
-&-
...And this is how it begins.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Letter
Dear Brother,
You can think it I'm a slut and call me it over-and-over, it doesn't mean anything. Not since I just kissed them, nothing more but you'd rather believe your so-called-friends over me. I'm sorry you're apparently so miserable that you have to try and make me feel like shit.
Maybe when you can finally grow-up (and yes, you actually have to do this sometime in your life) and act like you're in your twenties and not like some 16 year old who thinks he's some bad ass, you'll realize why I don't like you. Maybe you'll even feel bad about it. But the sad thing is, I don't think you will.
If you did more than play video games all day, mess around on your computer and get trashed every weekend and put those people that are the captain's of douche bags, your friends, before every single person in this family, you'll understand what you lost. Or maybe if you weren't such a condescending prick with your head shoved so far up your own ass that you need a glass stomach, you might understand.
I used to wonder, before we finally moved out here, if you knew how much I missed you or if getting a phone call from you would make me happy. I wondered if you knew all that. I don't think you do but right now, after everything Megan put you, put us, through and how she treated us, how you still treat me like I'm some toddler who needs her hand held crossing the street, I don't care if you know.
You wonder why. You ask me why. Well, after what you said tonight and not seeing anything wrong with it, it's finally crystal clear to me.
You can tell your friends when your both drunk "you should tap that" when you talk about me. Turn around and call me slut even though I didn't do anything. Act like my job means nothing compared to your lack of. Talk down to me like I'm less than you. Put me through hell because I worried about you when you were beyond trashed and act like it's a bad thing.
And I can be blamed too. I didn't do this, I didn't do that, I know. But it ends here. I'm can only be nice and mum for so long. I don't get pissed enough, I don't speak my mind enough. I don't do anything enough and it's because your my brother. I wouldn't even treat you the way you treat me, without a second thought. I didn't do anything because we're family and for some reason, I always thought you never treated family like you treat me.
I'm not going out of my way but you're not doing this shit to me anymore and making me feel bad.
Maybe one day, if you decide you want to join this real world, you'll realized you lost your sister one day.
But I doubt that means anything to you. Family never has meant much to you, anyway.
Signed, Saturday, March 7th, 2009
You can think it I'm a slut and call me it over-and-over, it doesn't mean anything. Not since I just kissed them, nothing more but you'd rather believe your so-called-friends over me. I'm sorry you're apparently so miserable that you have to try and make me feel like shit.
Maybe when you can finally grow-up (and yes, you actually have to do this sometime in your life) and act like you're in your twenties and not like some 16 year old who thinks he's some bad ass, you'll realize why I don't like you. Maybe you'll even feel bad about it. But the sad thing is, I don't think you will.
If you did more than play video games all day, mess around on your computer and get trashed every weekend and put those people that are the captain's of douche bags, your friends, before every single person in this family, you'll understand what you lost. Or maybe if you weren't such a condescending prick with your head shoved so far up your own ass that you need a glass stomach, you might understand.
I used to wonder, before we finally moved out here, if you knew how much I missed you or if getting a phone call from you would make me happy. I wondered if you knew all that. I don't think you do but right now, after everything Megan put you, put us, through and how she treated us, how you still treat me like I'm some toddler who needs her hand held crossing the street, I don't care if you know.
You wonder why. You ask me why. Well, after what you said tonight and not seeing anything wrong with it, it's finally crystal clear to me.
You can tell your friends when your both drunk "you should tap that" when you talk about me. Turn around and call me slut even though I didn't do anything. Act like my job means nothing compared to your lack of. Talk down to me like I'm less than you. Put me through hell because I worried about you when you were beyond trashed and act like it's a bad thing.
And I can be blamed too. I didn't do this, I didn't do that, I know. But it ends here. I'm can only be nice and mum for so long. I don't get pissed enough, I don't speak my mind enough. I don't do anything enough and it's because your my brother. I wouldn't even treat you the way you treat me, without a second thought. I didn't do anything because we're family and for some reason, I always thought you never treated family like you treat me.
I'm not going out of my way but you're not doing this shit to me anymore and making me feel bad.
Maybe one day, if you decide you want to join this real world, you'll realized you lost your sister one day.
But I doubt that means anything to you. Family never has meant much to you, anyway.
Signed, Saturday, March 7th, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
First post
Why did I start this?
I have no fucking clue.
None what so ever.
Just felt like "hey, I should try my hand at one of those blogs that are all over the place and I sometimes even read".
'Cause having an lj I rarely ever use wasn't enough.
So let me start by saying *waves* hi, blogging world. I'm weird, random, hyper, shy, quiet until I get to know you. Awkawrd and moody.
I love, love, love books, writing, hockey and music. <<< keys to my heart.
That's all for now, yeah?
Always
I have no fucking clue.
None what so ever.
Just felt like "hey, I should try my hand at one of those blogs that are all over the place and I sometimes even read".
'Cause having an lj I rarely ever use wasn't enough.
So let me start by saying *waves* hi, blogging world. I'm weird, random, hyper, shy, quiet until I get to know you. Awkawrd and moody.
I love, love, love books, writing, hockey and music. <<< keys to my heart.
That's all for now, yeah?
Always
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